Solus amor Dei

I stare into the mirror at my tired, life-etched face. I have grown in suffering to a point I can no longer bear, and I would like to give up, but You do not allow it. Maybe I should be thankful for that.

But I have walked a long and arduous journey through joys and sorrows, yet I have never arrived home. Now only emptiness remains, and hatred toward myself and the world around me—a hatred that feels justified within my delusional, self-loathing mind.

The people I have met along my journey have been loving and understanding, but I have not been able to respond to their kindness. I have withdrawn ever deeper into a dark prison of my own making, whose key was lost long ago. I am bitter toward You, because You do not answer my cries for help, but remain silent. Yet I do not know how to hate You, for despite everything, You are my only friend.

I have been completely alone in this world since the moment I was born, a world where I do not seem to belong. No one has taken care of me, I have not been able to receive comforting love or understanding, but instead I have been burdened with an inner void that torments me, an absence that opens like a wound and deepens with each passing moment.

Am I complaining in vain to deaf and indifferent ears that do not even wish to hear me; to eyes that do not see me; to hands that do not want to touch me? Perhaps I should simply fall asleep and let the darkness press me into a nightmare from which even You cannot save me — perhaps my fate is to be separated from You, even though I still long for You and for Your warm, embracing care.

I don’t know, I truly don’t know anymore what to do. I’ve strayed too far from the path leading home; I just want to fall asleep and never wake up, because this world is meant only for the innocent—innocent whose blood has not been stained on the faces of people like me.

Hear me, and set me free, so that I may fade away and never be found again! Set me free, let go of me, and let me drift through the deadly waters into the night where even Your words do not reach. Then I may finally find the peace I have longed for since birth; then I will finally be free from the chains of humanity.

Please, let go of me—I can no longer withstand this endless tide of sorrow because I cannot return and I am not worthy of Your loving arms. Set me free, so that I may at last find everlasting peace in a world never meant for those like me.